Hidden Treasure

"If you cry for discernment; if you seek her as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will discern the fear of the Lord, and discover the knowledge of God."

I am in a stage that seems to be defined by wanting all that God has for me. I see others at church who, though I'm sure they don't have it all figured out (which almost makes it more frustrating), nevertheless seem to have all the great spiritual abilities described by the New Testament.

I don't.

Peers and elders alike are healing, worshipping, prophesying, and telling people exactly what they are thinking in the hidden part of their souls and I'm over here... I can write pretty and make good soup.

Don't worry. Despite my display of snark, I know I have things to contribute to my Christian community and to the world as a whole. I have been told that I have outstanding discernment and communication abilities, and I really do make great soup. I do, however feel that I'm missing something. The baptism of the Holy Spirit or some spiritual gifts, like when Aslan is handing out those amazing things to the children: magical sword, bow, elixir, and horn. The children feel confident in their newfound abilities to fight, heal, or instill strength. I know I received salvation and the assurance of things unseen, but when God was handing out the extras, I must have gotten distracted by the pastry bar.

Though I shouldn't compare, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I pray and I don't hear a response. I read scripture without epiphany. I sing the worship set and don't feel like dancing. Am I just a typical guy in these things, or am I not doing it right?

At this point you may be wondering what that verse is doing up there at the top. That's from the book of Proverbs, 2:3-5, and it spoke to me this morning in a way that is rare. I do cry for wisdom and understanding, sometimes almost literally. I mean... that's pretty much what I've been complaining about, right? It says, though, to seek them. Seek discernment and then you will discern the fear of the Lord and the knowledge of God.

That is what I've been seeking. An emotional response to God (the fear of the Lord) and insights into His wisdom. But seeking is a process. Wisdom is not contained in a deposit box for which we have the key to open any time we'd like. This verse (and many others in Proverbs) describes a searching that must happen. I feel like simply reading and praying even if only for the sake of obedience will fulfill the searching necessary to acquire the things I could receive.

And one more thing...

It says to "seek her [understanding] as silver, and search for her as for hidden treasure." Most of us don't go around looking for silver or hidden treasure, but insert whatever it is we do end up seeking out. Entertainment and distraction is at the top of my list to be honest. What if I sought wisdom as much I've scrolled meaninglessly through the internet? I think God's trying to tell me something here. I tend to avoid scripture and prayer because I don't expect them to be immediately fruitful, but this may just be a case of delayed gratification.

Moments in Seeking

Seeking... it seems to follow the cliche about a journey, that it is the journey, not the destination that is important. I say this in regards to something I believe we all seek: joy. I say joy as apposed to happiness because happiness is just "happenstance," something that pleases us in a moment, but is easily forgotten and has no lasting effect on us. We seek moments of happiness that they might be added to the jar of our peace, a feeling that everything will be all right, and, in adding enough moments over time, that jar will overflow. We will be a pillar of smiles and a giver of the wisdom that has come through the filling of our jar.

This does not because so.

The happiness we collect is like that old science experiment with alcohol, watching it evaporate before our eyes quicker than anything else. The jar doesn't stay filled. It is joy that is long lasting. Joy that, despite our circumstance even of unhappiness, will give us peace.

All this to say that it is really joy and peace we are all seeking.

If you're like me, you go through a lot of your daily life seeking time better spent, wishing we could be doing something else in any giving moment or, having finished more tasks at home, we could do the things we've wanted to do. Even in engaging in these things we've wanted to do, we seem not to be doing it quite right, started it too late or not had all the right things together, and the moment is soured.

Now, have we ever thought about these joys we are seeking? I'll list mine:

• Sitting by the fire, hot drink beside me, reading a book
• Knocking out something on the list of things I wish to compose, write, draw, or create
• Fix one of those things around the house that will make life a little more convenient
• Take a nap (preferably in mid paragraph by the fire)
• Go for a walk
• Organize something
• Call a friend
• Preparing well for something coming up
• Practice {my instruments}

Go ahead and think of your list. How often do we get to do many of these? We seek them quite a bit. My big freaking point here is that many times I will try to escape and do one of these things and it doesn't give me the joy I expected. What I want to do is soured by something I should be doing. It's that mind set that if I can re-jumble my life to accommodate this list, I will have peace in my existence, the rest of my life will have meaning. I go through my life thinking of these joys, looking out the window at rainy day, wishing that same rain was making pleasant noises on the window of the coffee shop in which I am reading my book; thinking about when I have to leave work to a home at which tasks long unfinished will press in on my thoughts; stumbling through something at work for which I should have prepared more.

Thinking of these things is almost half the pleasure, but in actually doing some of them, they are not as satisfying as we thought they would be. Our mind has talked them up like a friend who goes on about something we should watch on Netflix that doesn't quite live up. I have spent a lot of my life in this way, realizing that the seeking is often more pleasurable than the moment I sought. I have started, however, rather than trying to escape life to find joy in these moments, to try to find joy in that typical life. I look around in any given moment of life, and although the baby's fussy and things are a bit disheveled and cluttered and bills are still there and projects are unfinished; right there... in that moment, I really have a pretty good life. In that moment of life, people love me (even the fussy ones) and I have hope. If you can find peace and joy in those moments, then you can have your list. It involves a little planning, but it can be done.

Laid Off, Fired Up

I was recently "let go" from my job, a music store that was treading water and I couldn't keep dry. I think the hardest part of losing your job, harder than the financial stress and the blow to your pride, is the entirely new situation with which you are faced: where to go from here. Thus far I've justified finding the next platitudinous job I can get into, telling myself I can pursue more meaningful means on the side. Now, however, my last justification chip has been played and lost, and I need to think about getting out of this game.

So, what were my dreams. It's something I've asked many people I know. For many people I know are about my age, and in that time of life in which their thoughts are similar to mine and they ask "what should I be doing?" I try to get them back to that hopeful time when their aspirations were right in front of them instead of left in an old yearbook they can't find anymore. At the time of my high school senior yearbook (almost 11 years of yore) my friends thought I was a pretty talented musician and considered me one who'd go far. I wanted to be a musician then, but my specific dreams were scattered. Though I have been blessed and established with many things since then; a faith in God, a beautiful wife and companion, and a more developed character; it has stayed the same. My dreams are as scattered as the ponderosa pineneedles outside on this windy day. And like those pineneedles, my dreams have yet to be raked into one pile.

My needles are all of the same color. I have been blessed and cursed by creativity and anything I could see myself doing is of that same tincture. It is the cry of every boss who has let me go that I am a great and talented person who could do so many things. Though at the time they say this, I can't help but harbor bit of resentment while I think "Yeah, yeah, that's what they all say." I do see the truth in it however, and my latest [former] boss has added that I am great with people. When I think of all the things I would count myself fortunate in doing, the things that come to mind are numerous. I could be a musician, yes, and have a band with whom I'd get paid to travel. I could write music, teach band, or give private lessons for a living; and besides music I could be a photographer, a park ranger, arborist, councilor, or have a business doing my signature artwork on the walls of people's homes. With the exception of the arborist, photographer, or the councilor, I have tried these things. I have pedaled the flyers for my artwork, promoted my private lessons studio, decided not to get a teaching certificate in college, can't get anyone to play my compositions long enough to get a recording, and have endeavored countless times to start a band of my own.

I believe my endeavoring hasn't been played out as it should however. You see, I try for most all of these things at once, the philosophy being that the more lines I put out the more chance I have to get a bite. Though as of yet I have only caught the equivalent of a few small perch. The wisdom may lie in reeling in all but one or two of my lines and maybe finding a better spot. My downfall does, after all, lie in a lack of focus. So now the question is: What do I Pursue? Like I said before, where do I go from here? And though that is indeed the hardest part of losing your job, it does allow for a bit of excitement. I look forward to figuring it out because I know this a new stage in my life, finding something important to do and knowing that I'm doing it well.

 ^*^ Dusty

Something!

My brother gave me a clock several years ago while I was still a bachelor and living with my friend David Hough. It was a Simpsons clock featuring a quote from from Homer every hour. The favorite by far of David and myself was one in which Homer says simply, with his characteristic salivating groan, "Mmmmm, something." For those needing a bit more scholarly of a quote source, Henry David Thoreau suggests that we "Be not simply good, be good for something." For good measure I'll add in the always cryptic old maxim "Idle hands are the devil's workshop." The goal in all these references is to warn against the dangers of coasting and inaction, and to encourage everyone to explore their potential. For those who may see these statements as judgmental, who else would write a message like this but someone for whom this is their greatest trouble.

This problem can manifest itself in many ways, from the person who is always in crisis but never seems to take the needed steps to get out of their situation, to the lazy guy who always dreams but never seems to take enough initiative to chase those dreams. The latter is evident in myself, and I speak from experience when I say that the cure for this is to do something... anything, just don't do nothing. The issue is usually that we tend to think and think and think and think about what to do next and how to solve the current obstacle, but for people like me, thinking is our greatest talent and action our greatest weakness. Most of the time we just need to pick something and go with it, and in this action, if something needs to be changed, then change it. I realize the biggest obstacle is a fear that we'll do the wrong thing, but I'm here to tell you that doing nothing produces just as many, if not more, regrets than making a wrong decision. It is a great tendency of God to make good out of bad situations, but even He can't make good out of no situation at all.

It is true that someone can lead a good life by merely "getting by." This person won't hurt anybody, they may be content with a decent job, they won't have a lot of hardships, but at the end of the day this person may look back and notice that, in staying in their comfort zone, they didn't affect anybody or anything. This is one of my own fears, so again, I speak from experience when I exhort you to write that book, learn the guitar, have those kids, invite that guy on the corner for dinner, start that business, and don't be stingy with the road trips or it may be that the only 'legacy' you leave behind will be that old Subaru.

Phillipians 4:8-9 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think of such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Hello. You're.... uh, That One Guy Aren't You?

I've been doing a little exercise lately... going through 268 faces to see how many memories I can conjure up.  These faces are from the Seniors section of my high school yearbook, and I'll give you a hint: the memory count is way under 268. So then there comes a time in most young persons' life when they must make that all-important decision: Should I go to my 10-year high school reunion? My face-to-name score will most likely be embarrassingly low, and I'm not exactly blaringly successful. So when that one girl who's now married and I haven't seen in 8 years tossed me the invite on Facebook, why did I click "I'm Attending?" I'm still pondering that.

In an article for CNN recently, Jeff Pearlman offers the 10-year as an effective chance to leave behind those bitter memories, of realizing that everyone in the room shares the same fears, and just to face something scary and kinda awkward for the sake of getting out of your comfort zone. Though I share Pearlman's fear of the awkward, I don't have bitter memories to be erased or amends to make with any old relationships. I was a quite, nerdy guy who didn't really come out of my shell until the end of high school. I can thank my band days for breaking my shell, but then again all I know are the band people. I got more visibility than the typical band geek, but I was definitely not in the forefront, and in so didn't have a lot of bitter relationships, or any big relationships unfortunately. No girlfriends, no enemies, no drama.

So, though my personality and character has grown, I had nothing grand nor terrible to remember or forget. So perhaps in that I can make whatever I want out of my upcoming 6-hour outing. For I have no expectations nor anything about which to be nervous. I can thank God that I'm in a respectable employment and that I have a wonderful and beautiful wife to make me look good. All these things aside however, I think I clicked that "I'm Attending" button because deep down I have a shallow curiosity of what I can get from remembering high school days and, like Jeff Pearlman, I think I can value getting out of my comfort zone. Also and very importantly, thank God for name tags.

Do We Really Want What We Want?

First, I would like to request that you make sure that anybody watching you right now is someone you can trust. Then, as exuberantly as you can, say the title of this blog seven times as fast as you can! ... don't worry, I'll wait...

Thank you. Since you already asked that question of yourself, several times at varying degrees of grace, I'll save the typical "ask yourself this question" request. I do pose the question however, because it has struck me lately how much we really don't want the things we say we do. The question came to my attention while reading "I'm a Stranger Here Myself," a collection of monthly columns written by one of my favorite authors of dry humor, Bill Bryson. In a columns entitled "Why No One Walks," Bryson observes that in a nearby New Hampshire town of Laconia, they had recently spent $5 million revitalizing their downtown shopping area to make it a beautiful downtown pedestrian shopping destination. However, to quote Bryson: "Esthetically it was a triumph -- urban planners came from all over to coo and take photos -- but commercially it was a disaster. Forced to walk on whole block from a parking lot, shoppers abandoned downtown Laconia for suburban malls." Shortly after, Laconia dug up the brick paving, benches, trees, geraniums, etc. to put the street back to the way it used to be, where shoppers can park right in front of the stores, and the downtown businesses now thrive again.

To relate this story to the title, and to tell you my point early, we want and admire all sorts of things that we won't support. I tend to immediately accuse "Laziness!" in my mind, but I don't think we act this way mindfully. You and I get sucked into a repertoire of taking the easy road, and most likely with every intention of getting around to clearing up the overgrown one if you'll pardon the metaphor. These overgrown roads lead to such places as your local food department, non-profit civil service organizations, local businesses, and the fine folks who help upkeep the parks and historic structures.

Most of us agree heartily that these groups should be in place. Indeed we will enthusiastically commend anyone who supports them, but we ourselves... well, if you're like me than sheepish excuses will most likely mutter their way out of your mouth. Take local businesses for example: we will all bring down a hail of scorn on the big corporations' lack of empathy and over-commercialization, and we will feel sorry for the employee who is bogged down by quotas and aggressive and over-cheery sales techniques. How often though, when given the choice, do you go to a local coffee shop instead of a Starbucks, a mom 'n' pop hardware store instead of Lowe's or Home Depot, or pop into a local eatery for lunch instead of a chain restaurant? Even if you're just cheap or on a budget it doesn't always make sense. Local coffee shops have the same prices, or better, than Starbucks' drinks, and tend produce their goods with better business practices. Also, Dough Boys tools here in Spokane (though selling a lot of used items) is way cheaper than the alternative; and when I order my usual #4 from the menu at our nearby Hillside Cafe, I pay much less than I would Sharie's or Carl's Junior, and the food is never lacking.

So why do we do it? Are we doomed to a world where the small business has been rejected, long since sacrificed for those who would rather strive toward immense profits? I know it's difficult. At my own local music shop numerous ways we could serve people are written off with a sigh for the knowledge that individuals would rather go to the internet to buy goods cheaper. A personal relationship with your neighborhood sellers, better business practices, and keeping your money local is valued much lower than getting the best price, and as such large companies wouldn't think twice about outsourcing labor and using the cheapest possible materials. We have taught them these techniques by our actions. The prevailing philosophy is that consumers should always look for the best cost, and businesses should always look to make more money.

Don't worry, I'm not an anarchist by any stretch, and I do hesitate to write such seemingly accusatory blogs, but the subject has been a concern of mine for a while. (Also, I'd like the reader to know I write about things I find evident in myself.) This inaccuracy in our mode of life I think is due to a skewed sense of the American Dream, and success has been bent to mean the continual pursuit of "more", "cheaper", and "easier." These ideas have led away from the things we value, and instead toward the things that make us feel better, on the way losing the knowledge that there is sometimes a difference. The examples I've given are about business tactics, but only to make a point how our values can venture far away from our actual practices. Though we live in a world where it seems we can't really turn back now, I hope I could influence an idea to explore what you really want your world to be like, and take a step or two in your own life toward supporting that idea. You can't support everything for sure, but you can support something. So what do you support?

... Dust to dust...

Today is Ash Wednesday. This of course is the day marking the start of the Lent season, where, traditionally, you forgo something common in your life for thoughts of higher importance. But I'm not going to talk about that today. Nor is this really about spiritual matters. Today I'm interested only in, well... today, Ash Wednesday. Today, folks will go to various church establishments and, following a somewhat solemn and thoughtful service, proceed to "Invoke the Ashes," meaning to have someone apply two lines of ashes on your forehead in the shape of a cross. But here's the kicker: the idea is that you leave those ashes on your forehead all day.

An ancient Hebrew custom of putting on sackcloth and pouring ashes on your head as a public showing of mourning is the impetus for this old Christian tradition. I'm not trying to institute a "Wear Burlap to Work Day," nor do I advocate dumping the ashes of last night's fire on your head before you walk out the door. What interests me in a serious sense is the aspect of the public showing. Besides being kinda itchy sometimes, that ash on your noggin tells the world what you believe. Nowadays our society is pretty non-confrontational. If you're like me you try to avoid conflict at all costs. Many with this tendency will rather keep our faith a secret from most, not vent our frustrations to those who need to know them, and will even develop a whole persona separate from what we feel inside. So what would happen if put our hearts out on our sleeves, or on our foreheads?

Well... I don't know. Despite the typical image of one who shows their true feelings, I would advocate that we're not timid about it. Beliefs can be stated not in an apologetic way but with a firm unashamed posture. I get the impression that we've sank into a PC culture in which we're afraid to say anything lest we offend, but it's so much better when we can rise above that. I've experience conversations with friends, co-workers, and family along all lines of opinion and philosophy and let me tell you, it can be exhilarating. Invoking the ashes can lead to talk much more exciting than the weather and the latest reality show.

During my last job alone I've had dialogues with a Buddhist lesbian, a Vietnam-era hippie agnostic, and devout and cross-wearing Christian (all self-proclaimed descriptions) just to name a few. Now I obviously can't agree with all of them, and honestly they didn't expect me to. Nor did I expect them to immediately jump on my own bandwagon. Despite this however, terms like "I see what you mean," "Hmm... you've got a point there," and "I didn't know about that, can you explain it?" were heard from both sides. And if I was sheepish about sharing my own faith and ideas, it doesn't say much about my confidence in them. In the same attitude I will see a lot people heading down self-destructive paths, and if they see that I'm confident enough to voice my concerns, they will feel more comfortably telling me about them. Sometimes I'll ask about the hardships of an acquaintance or co-worker and I'll get a look in response that says "Is that allowed?" Things like accountability to your fellow man seem to have long since left our societal norm. In an attempt to quell hatred, ill will, and gossip, we have inadvertently left people with a sense that we're all in it for ourselves and we can deal with our own problems.

So here's my point in general: I don't go around randomly initiating philosophical/religious debates out of the blue, but what we believe is an important part of our lives. If things like your family, your job, and your thoughts on the Middle-East are a big enough part of your life to come up in conversation, than so too should things like what you heard in church the other day or concerns about a fellow friend. Comfort zones are not easy to get out of, but when I ask somebody with a withdrawn look if there's something wrong and they say "oh, nothing" without making eye contact, I might have to endure some awkwardness to help that person. In the same note, If someone asks me if I got to sleep in this morning, neither of us should feel uncomfortable if I replied "Nah. I got up early for the Ash Wednesday service," while trying not to scratch my forehead.